These intoxicating scents that linger in the air 24/7 in the hallways of my residence, sneaking under my door to tickle my nostrils, those pretty green fan-shaped leaves scattered all over the city, that magical word: *green*, spreading from the wide illuminated avenues to the narrowest, gloomiest alleys, those inviting shops—some with flashy, aggressive lights, others dimly lit, adding a mysterious, enigmatic, almost clandestine (yet not quite) vibe—this atmosphere of both exhibitionism and secret modesty, of insider complicity, like we’re all part of the same family, those cozy (or not-so-cozy) lounges with reclining chairs or even plush, welcoming sofas that hint at shared intimacy... It reminds me of opium dens... in another life.
In this life, I’ve never tasted those pleasures.
Well, almost never. I was introduced to them late, well past fifty. A group of friends, average age 25. The joint passed from hand to mouth. I would’ve looked like a fool—and worse, like I didn’t belong—among them, soaring through those sweet clouds. Nothing. No effect. I stayed grounded. It was tough, listening to their exchanges. They were floating in some obscure bliss while I wallowed in even darker gloom. Didn’t feel like repeating the experience.
A year or two later—or was it five or ten?—same scenario, same gift passed around, different group, different place. But it felt like the same moment, just 10 years later. They offered me a share.
Oh, hell yes! I was hoping this time I’d take off with them.
Nope. Still grounded.
I never tried again. No, no typo there.
Pétain (Marshal), what do they all see in this dried leaf besides its incredible scent?!!!
Well, since I’m in Thailand, years have passed, I’ve mellowed out, gained some wisdom (even if it doesn’t show on VF), found freedom in body and mind, nearly died three or four times (and each time, they didn’t want me up there), I’m going to try again.
But this time, alone. No one to lecture me, no one to tell me what to do or not do. No one to watch, no one to mock me for being an old geezer. Good God, before I die, I *have* to try!
For all these months planning my trip, I didn’t even think about it! And now that I’m here, it’s all I can think: *I HAVE TO TRY!* At least once in my Marshal Pétain of a life. Once before dying a virgin to the high.
No wonder it’s all I can think about—there are more *green shops* than Seven/Elevens. And trust me, Seven/Elevens are *everywhere* in Thailand. You can’t walk 20 meters without stumbling on one! But green shops? Every 2 meters! I find it prettier, more poetic to say *green shop*.
The other guy, with his clunky shoes, had talked plenty about the hot streets and girlie bars in my neighborhood. At Pat Pong night market, you’ll find whatever you want, he’d said. I barely glimpsed, between two green shops, one or two girlie bars. No girls outside to lure customers, none inside. Wide open. No need to be a voyeur. The tables and bar stools were empty—no clients, no girls. It smelled more of desertion and misery than fun and frolic.
- Maybe you went too early, grandpa?
But the guy with the clunky shoes hadn’t mentioned the pretty green fan-shaped leaves or the green shops. At Pat Pong market (night *the* market), they’re practically side by side.
The first one I entered looked more like a bar with its high stools than a shop. I felt completely clueless. What was I even supposed to ask for?
I didn’t have to ask— the girl handed me the menu, or *the* menu, if you prefer. An album, actually, several pages with colorful photos and weird names as unfamiliar and incomprehensible as Thai restaurant menus. Though this wasn’t Thai.
Note that in restaurants, menus are the same—real albums with pages of photos making you want to try everything. And every dish is available to order, any time of day or night. Not like in India, where they always offer the same three or four dishes, everywhere, in every restaurant. And when you’re lucky enough to find a place with a normal menu—12, 15, even 20 or 25 dishes—and you think, *Finally, I can try something new*, you can bet the server will sweetly, barely whisper, with a cloying smile:
- Sorry, sir, not available...
- Okay, then I’ll take this...
- Sorry, sir, not available...
- And this one?
- Sorry, sir, not available...
- Fine, what *is* available?
- Well, this, this, this, and this—and he pulls out the same short list of dishes you find everywhere, but 4 or 5 times more expensive here!
One day, after checking three or four restaurants, I got so mad I grabbed a pen from my bag and crossed out every dish on the menu, writing in big letters: *NOT AVAILABLE*. That led to a weeks-long feud with Praveen, which I even thought was permanent—it’s unthinkable (and improper) for an Indian, especially a Malayalee, to get angry and protest.
As for Johny, when I’d pick a restaurant like that and he knew in advance we’d get the usual *not available* routine, he’d disappear under the table at order time—or slip off to the washroom while I placed the order, terrified of a scene.
I’ve calmed down since and just laugh it off...
Though I’ve noticed my outbursts are a breeze compared to the storms of insults and humiliation from the new-rich Indian tourists—now the most common type.
But back to my green shop.
What do all these names and photos even mean?
So there are *that* many varieties of hash?
Here in Thailand, like in restaurants, *everything* is available!
I’m trapped—I don’t know what to ask for...
The pretty little Thai girl, with her adorable Asian Barbie-doll face perfectly made up, stares at me, stunned, alarmed, like I’m an alien. She’s probably never been asked the questions that just spilled out of this guy’s mouth. Has he smoked too much? Drunk too much? Is he completely out of it or just senile?
From her frightened eyes and embarrassed smile, I realize she doesn’t know how to answer. So I hand back her menu-album and, mortified, rush out.
After two or three equally fruitless attempts—this time, customers take me for a total idiot and openly mock me, making loud comments among themselves—my little voice, always quick to advise, tells me:
- Don’t ask anything—what it is, the name, the dosage, the percentage... Just check if they have cakes, buy one, and sneak off to eat it in your room.
Bad luck—I hit three more shops where they also present a menu-album with no cakes.
I think I’ve mentioned this before—I’m stubborn, and when I decide something, I don’t let go.
Finally, I spot a refrigerated display case in one of these pretty shops with various cakes. There’s a pretty tipsy American there. I don’t know what he’s had to drink, smoke, or eat, but he’s loud, talkative, and monopolizing the seller’s attention. When the seller signals to ask what I want, I suddenly point to a small cookie in the display without thinking or asking any questions.
- They’re sold in pairs!
- Okay, give me two.
When he tells me the price, I almost back out.
Twice the price of the nice shirt I bought yesterday—for just two tiny cookies!
But after all this drama, I’m not giving up at the last minute...
And off I go, like a thief, to eat my cookie in my room.

Damn good! So good I’m about to devour the second.
- No, might as well wait to see what effect it has. Save the other for tomorrow.
And I sit down at my computer to look at my photos from the day before and that day.
Two hours later, nothing! Clearly, I’m resistant to this stuff. I message my young neighbor in France—who’s neither as innocent nor as stupid as me and knows all about the supposed effects:
- Did you ask about the dosage?
- No.
- Maybe it’s a scam, maybe it’s a placebo. Normally, you should’ve felt something fast. Try the second one, you’ll see...
- I’m not convinced at all. It’s late, I’m sleepy, and tomorrow I want to get up early to visit the Grand Palace before it gets too crowded...
I fell asleep fast, but I don’t think it was the cookie. Just normal fatigue from the day.
I have no memory of any special state, no extraordinary dreams. Just a feeling of being drunk or something like that. I even said to myself in my sleep, without waking but aware of saying it: *Oh, that’s the cookie’s effect*. But when I woke up, no memory—just a hangover.
So I head to the Grand Palace with that boat-like walk, but unfortunately, that’s been chronic since my cardiovascular accident, which no doctor understands. I’m used to it. It’s very unpleasant—low blood pressure that sometimes forces me to sit. But I’m a fighter, I don’t like to “listen to myself” and stay inactive, so I deal with it...
My young neighbor calls:
- So, how’d it go after?
- Nothing... I think I took it too late or went to bed too early. I kinda felt like it had an effect in my sleep, but no memory...
- This time, take it earlier...
So I treat myself to my little dessert around 7 PM, and nothing special happens... Not at 8, 10, or 11 PM. I must be impervious, unreceptive... Or I got scammed. Either nothing in it or very little... Though commercially, that’s not very smart, especially in a country where, after sex, this is one of the main reasons a certain type of tourist comes...
The effect hit the next morning! But not the expected effect, not the hoped-for one. No mental high, no bliss, no euphoria—just a terrible physical effect... I couldn’t stand on my legs. My mind was fine, but my legs wouldn’t hold me. What was I going to do? No way I was going to a hospital. I’m like a sick cat that prefers to hide in a corner, lie down, and wait for death...
I won’t go into details here.
I almost called my insurance for repatriation.
But I believe in my lucky star... *Wait, it’ll pass*...
I looked it up online and also called my doctor and my young neighbor...
I learned a few things... The cakes are much stronger than a joint. The effect comes much later. Never eat a cake without advice, without talking to the seller, etc... In short, I got everything wrong, did everything I shouldn’t have...
Three days to get back to normal! But after three days, I was trotting like a rabbit again. And during those three days, do you think I stayed in bed? In my room? No, you don’t know me well. I walked. Not as much as usual—6 to 8 km instead of 15 or 20. And I did it... *on a boat*...
No, not on the Chao Phraya! In the street, in the metro, everywhere...
But I was on a boat that pitched and rolled, and sometimes a bigger wave would knock me forward, but I held the wheel and stayed the course.
Quite an experience! A travel adventure I’ll remember...